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10 Things

To try and lift my relatively blue mood I want to list 10 of my my blessings.

1. My marriage. It is an up and down road but I wouldn’t take the journey with anyone else.

2. My children. Each one of them add something brillant to my life. They are awesome little people.

3. My education. It is giving me the strength and knowledge I need to build a strong and vibrant life. One where I don’t have to work 12 hours a day for just over minimum wage. One where I can build for my retirement and be able to help my children through school. It is a pain the ass that will pay off in the end.

4. My house. I love my house. It isn’t very big but it fits us comfortably. It is warm and safe. That’s all that matters.

5. My friends. They keep me sane. I can always chat with one of them about something. That’s another thing college has done for me. It’s given more friends. (which is hard to do at my age)

6. My in-laws. My MIL drives me batty but she has pulled our asses out of the fire so many times. I am so thankful for that.

7. My car. It is loud and obnoxious but it runs. It has so much room. We can all fit in it. It’s great shape for it’s 20 years of life.

8. Food. You will never know what a blessing it is to have food until you don’t. I’ve been there many times. I am so happy my kids have never had to experience that. I can feed them. Each day they have fruits and vegetables. I never had that. I am blessed to be able to give them that.

9. Happiness. It isn’t always present in me but it is always present in my children. To see them happy makes me feel full of happiness.

10. Life. It might not be great and it might be down right shitty at times but it’s mine. It is full of adventure. It is full of challenges. But I am here.

ADHD among other things…

Yesterday, I was looking up some information about ADHD. As my followers know (all two of you!) my middle son has ADHD. He’s a little more extreme on the scale then most. I’m always looking at new research and alternate was to make his life easier. Could you imagine wanting to sit still or control yourself and not be able to? Anything to make his life better is what I look for. Anyway. I found this article from Thomas E Brown. It talks about the frontal lobe and ADHD. I think this explanation fits Pat better than the some of the other explanations I’ve been told. Over the 7 years we have suspected something was going on with him NO ONE ever mentioned the frontal lobe. They basically said Pat just can’t control himself. That’s just not enough.

There are still old outdated stereotypes out there. My son’s grandfather still thinks it’s a label that doctors slap on unruly kids. That’s just not the case. ADHD is a disorder of the CNS. It impairs a child’s learning, self monitoring skills, processing, language skills, pragmatics, etc. It is also a documented learning disability that may very well follow him through his life. We need to address this now while he’s little.

So far the medication is working. His dad says it’s not as effective as it was at first. My guess is Pat is getting ready to grow and his body is metabilizing things very quickly. The medicine isn’t staying in his system as long. We need to talk to the doctor and have him reassessed. We may need to up his dose or find a drug that isn’t going to lose it’s effectiveness as fast.

I also think Pat needs behavioral therapy. I think that will help tremendously. I’m not a behavioral therapist. I don’t know how to teach him to control some of these impulsive behaviors he has. I think if he has some tools to work with the medicine would be more effective.

Pat has made huge improvements this year. I think having the medication has helped. Some of his behaviors still need to worked on. While he is with me this summer I’m going to do the best to work on them with him. Maybe we won’t to up his dose but help him control some of the behaviors. I really don’t want him to become dependent on the medications.

The lows…

PSA: I’m bitching. It’s how I feel at the moment.

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I’m so frustrated with school. I hate how much time it takes away from life. I REALLY hate Spanish. It just seems like I always have to do something. I have to read, take notes, read, listen to audio, take notes, go to class, take tests, wait for tests. Blah.

I don’t have time for much else. Colby’s birthday is in a month. I am going to have a few of his friends over but nothing big. All I can think about is that it’s going to take away from the time I have to do my school work. Isn’t that horrible? My son is turning 6 and has had a beautiful year. I should be celebrating. Instead I’m worried about the time. It’s awful.

I wonder if others go through this. Do other back to school moms worry like crazy people about their studies. Is it easier for them? How do they handle because I don’t think I handle that well. I think I obssess. I think that if I don’t study all the time I’m never going to get As.

I feel defeated. I feel like I’m going to do all this work and not get into grad school. Or I’ll be stuck at a awful school I hate. I don’t know how I add up against everyone else. It just seems like everyone is doing better. It seems like everyone grasps the material right away, especially in Spanish. It’s only going to get harder from here. I’m not sure if I have the stamina and brain cells to do it.

Fuck Off

That’s what I want to tell people that have the audacity of judging my parenting. Especially a certain pain in the ass. If you have not carried a human being in your body, pushed it out, and then TRIED to raise it; you should keep your flap shut. Every situation is so different. And sometimes you make the best decisions you can.

Recently, I embarked on a life changing journey. I made the decision to make sure my children have more than I have right now. That means making sacrifices. HUGE sacrifices. One of them is not living and breathing for my children. That doesn’t mean I am a horrible mom or that my kids are permanently scarred. But it is something I have to do. And with it comes sacrifice, on everyone’s part.

When my first living child was born, his father and I made the best decisions we knew how. The situation wasn’t good for anyone. Any choice we would have made would have been the best of two evils. So we did what we could. Surprisingly, he is a great kid. Well, adjusted kid. He has his quirks but we ALL do. It doesn’t mean that he is going to turn out to be a homicidal sociopath. It means that he understands that nothing is perfect but at the end of the day we love him. And at any time he needs me I will come running. In a flash.

Life isn’t perfect. As a mother I have made a lot of mistakes. I left Pat on a bench when he was 3 months old for a half second and he rolled off. I didn’t realize Colby had a language delay until he was three! I cut the tip of Meg’s finger off when she was 4 months old. I have locked EVERY ONE of my kids in the car at one time or another. I have done so much that is wrong. But I’ve also done a lot that’s right. I’ve done my best to make all of my children know that I love them. Whether they are with me or not. I don’t ignore my kids. I don’t ever let them out of my mind. I can’t be with them every waken hour of every day.

In the end, if the good out weighs the bad then I am doing good. If this person wants to be a bitch and pass judgments, I pray she has a PERFECT life. Lord knows what happen to her if things didn’t happen according to her carefully laid out plan.

We all have opinions about parenting, but until we have walked in that person’s shoes, we should keep our mouths shut.

BTW I know this person and I know who she is talking about.

One more thing, I have an interview tomorrow. Just another way to neglect and abandon my children! LOL. Wish me luck.

All the Things That I Love

The beginning of the semester has come and gone. We are a few weeks in already. We have had our first test. On Monday I will have my first Spanish test. EEEEK… Being at Wayne State is slowing changing my life.

I made a comment to my friend the other day. I told her that I am not longer *present* in my family. I am here physically but mentally and emotionally absent from my life. I am either driving to school, from school, studying for tests, waiting for grades, or preparing for the next step. My mind is occupied by GREs and my thesis. I’m worrying about my grades. I’m trying to balance the kids in with school. EVERY THING is around school. It makes me feel so guilty. I’m missing so much now.

We had to reschedule our Disney trip for January because I need money for my tuition. There’s a major guilt trip for me. I am not used to things being about me. Everything has always been about my kids. I feel so selfish for putting my desire to get my degree over my kids. I have to finish. I have to get my degree so we can survive. It still hurts and I am still overwhelmed with guilt.

Since I’ve begun Wayne State  in January everything’s change. I no longer blog. I no longer take my kids to the park. I no longer cook nutrious meals for dinner.  I no longer do any of the things that I love to do. What choice do  I have? I have to finish school.  But how do I deal with the guilt? How do I mourn the life I had for this new life? What do I look forward to?

Semester 1 Down!

I started this semester thinking that I wasn’t going to make it through. It was a huge shock going from a community college to a University. The work was a lot harder and there was a lot more of it! I had my ass handed to me after the first tests. I knew I had to shape up if I wanted to go to grad school! I buckled down and studied hard. I’ve done the hard work. After 14 weeks, I finished. I’m so proud of myself. I finished with two As and two Bs (pending). It took a lot of work. I had to basically accept the fact for the next 3 years of my life I am going to be studying and taking tests. And studying and taking tests. Once I accepted that, I was stressed out and tired. : P It is totally worth it. I feel so good. My hard work has paid off. Grad school is in my grasp.

What’s next on the agenda. I am taking a week off. I’m getting the house organized for the next round. I’m going to hang out with my children. It is going to be so nice to have a minute to breath. I can’t believe how dirty and unorganized a house can get  in 14 weeks! It’s amazing.

Hopefully, in 3 years I will have Master’s degree.  I am working my butt off for it!